Thursday, January 19, 2017

I Feel Like Giving Up on Everything Today

This is not book related. Not even remotely. But I need to put it down somewhere and it's my blog so this is where it's going.

I don't even know how to put most of it into words. I guess I'll start with the house. We're selling our house. It went back on the market on Monday and we've had three showings in the last two days. But I just know it's not going to sell. I have a gut feeling that no one is going to want our house again. I feel like all the cleaning for showings, and decluttering, and stress, and looking at houses, and putting in offers, is all a waste of time and we just need to stop. It was for sale for 3 or 4 months before Christmas and we had showings but no one was interested. I just feel done with the whole process. I'm done. It's not going to happen. 

We're also trying to have another baby. I had a miscarriage in October and since then, it's like I desperately want another baby but I'm afraid to be hopeful that it might happen. I afraid to think that I might actually be pregnant, but I'm also afraid that it won't happen. It's paralyzing. And it's like life just wants to keep reminding me of what I lost. I keep getting emails from Etsy. I know they are automatically generated, and it's not anyone at Etsy's fault, but the first one had the title 'OMG, Congrats' and the first thing featured in the email was miscarriage memorial necklaces. The one I got yesterday said 'About that huge mess...' and again miscarriage necklaces. I know its not someone purposely trying to hurt me, but every time I think about it it's like a slap in the face, or a stab in the heart and I just want to cry. There's lots of other little things, it's like every day something pops up. I keep thinking of how horrible mothers day is going to be. I was due in May, a week after mother's day. And I won't have my baby. I feel like part of me is missing without my baby.

I'm supposed to get my period today, and so far nothing, and I'm getting negative tests, and I'm just stressing myself out over it. I don't want to get excited and think that I could actually be pregnant, because A.) I don't want the disappointment when my period does start and B.) If I am pregnant I don't want to get excited in case I loose the baby again.

I'm so afraid of being hurt by all this stuff. I'm just want to say 'I quit' and just stop caring, but of course I can't just stop caring. I feel the same way about getting pregnant as I do about selling the house. It's just not going to happen. I know it's not going happen. But I can't find it in me to just let it go. I try to tell myself I'd be fine with just one child but I know that it would be hard for me to come to terms with that. I feel like I'm meant to be a mom to more than just one baby. My heart is screaming that I'm not done yet, I want to feel the kicking, and the hiccups, and the contractions, and the beautiful, wonderful, awful, messy, things that come with pregnancy and babies, but I can't help feeling like it's not going to happen. 

So today I'm sad. I'm crying as I type this. I just can't today. I want to crawl in a hole and cry and be depressed and let it destroy me for a few hours. But I can't. I have a little one who needs me, and is thankfully napping right now so I can get all this out. And when she wakes up we're going to watch The Tigger Movie, and play ball, and color and make soup for dinner, and I'll smile and be okay for her. But today I'm not okay. I'm just not.   

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